Where the hell I've been

Yeah, I'm sorry it's been so long. I haven't written for two reasons: 1, I don't always have time to write in private. 2, I haven't been very good at pro ana at all lately. I've slowly stopped restricting and I've began purging a wholeeee lot more. It's embarrassing because I feel like I've failed and let my mia identity come out. Today, for example, I ate a sandwich and some cashews for lunch, and when I got home from school I ate yogurt and some rice. Then for dinner, we had veggie tacos which I purged. Things get out of control when I get home from school. I'm so unhappy with all the food I've been shovling in my body. On Saturday, I bought a tub of icecream and some skittles and pigged out until the food tasted gross and I felt so stuffed I thought I was going to die. Then, I I got rid of it all. It's disgusting, and not a good way to lose the fat. My new plan is this: 1000 calories, purging all mistakes and as emotionally needed. I just feel so drained after school and with homework I need some calories to keep me going. I will use my judgement to know when and what to purge and when to excercise. Yours truly, Lynn

Updates

I'm sorry I haven't written for a while. I was on the ABC diet until Thursday afternoon, when I had to go home half way through school because I felt extremely weak and I threw up water and everyone was like wtf. I lost 5lbs, but my health had declined so much I got scared and stopped the diet. I can't believe how shitty I felt after less than a week.

I feel super depressed now. I can't ever eat a normal 1200 calories like a normal person. I either eat very little and way too much. I feel like such a fat ass from these five days of grazing.  I don't ever want to look like every other american out here.  Plus, it's getting warm where I live (70 degrees D:) and I know I need to go spring shopping, but I'm just so disgusted with myself.

Calories never make me happy. I want to be hungry and be eating my perfect 500. I want it so bad. It truly makes me happy.  I just get so weak and sick.

Fuck you health. I'm getting skinny as hell, no matter what you say.

Yours truly,
Lynn

Fainted

I've had a set back of sorts. On Wednesday, I fainted at school and they took me to the hospital and stuff. The doctors said I was dehydrated and that because I didn't eat breakfast I fainted. I'm scared of that happening again, because my parents and teachers are watching me carefully and making sure I eat breakfast.  I'm hesitant to continue restricting, but I'm terrified of gaining weight.  The bottom line is I need to stop wishing and start doing.   Tomorrow I'm starting my new plan:

I'm doing the ABC diet, and a minimum of 30 minutes of exercise each day.

Also, I'm not sure if anyone actually is reading my blog, but if anyone is out there, do you know if under 18-year-olds can buy diet pills/laxatives?

Yours truly,

Lynn

Struggles

I have only one time of day when I struggle with binging. For most people, it's the late evening before bed, but not for me.

I am an honor role student, and after I get home from school, I stress about doing my homework.  Food was always my comfort, and it's hard not to eat when I get home from school, especially because I'm always starving when I get home, even if I ate a whole sandwich for lunch!

Any support and tips would be greatly appreciated. I feel discouraged because I binged after school today, and I don't have a plan, or any diet I'm following. The only thing I can seem to stick with lately is my 30 minute exercise routine. I really should amp that up too.

I'm considering starting the ABC diet tomorrow.

Yours truly,
Lynn

My beginning (sort of)

Hello. I am Lynn. Well, not really. For obvious reasons, I must use a screen name. I am pro ana. I am recording my journey for both myself and for anyone else who wants to watch my journey.

Today, Valentine's day, I was looking at a boy in school ahead of me in line, and he was holding a large pink rose and chocolates. He saw me looking, and said "This isn't for you," in a disgusted tone. I understand. No one wants me to think they're interested in me.

I'm not new to the world of ana, but this was so triggering it's one of the things that has made me decide to come back.

I hope to post more, and get to know you better. But for now, here are my stats. Try not to throw up.

CW: 137
GW: 110
UGW: 100

I am 5'6", so I'm not clinically overweight, but boy do I look it!

Yours truly,
Lynn